Just for Laughs

So here is an excerpt from a recent IM conversation of mine.  I was telling my friend a story and he encouraged me to post it to the blog…

 

(4:56:45 PM) ME: yesterday, not too long after i left the cleaners, i was at a stoplight in the hood
(4:57:03 PM) ME: there was this dirty ass nigga walking from car to car with a rose
(4:57:21 PM) ME: so im like….please turn green, please turn green
(4:57:34 PM) ME: but of course the light would only turn green for a second
(4:57:57 PM) ME: so the nasty nigga gets to my car and hes all gesturing trying to give me the rose
(4:58:04 PM) ME: i smiled and said no thanks
(4:58:14 PM) ME: he proceeds to ask me to roll down my window
(4:58:27 PM) ME: im like no…i can hear you withouth doing that
(4:58:34 PM) ME: so hes like please
(4:58:36 PM) ME: im like no
(4:58:43 PM) ME: so hes like fuck it, ill talk anyway
(4:59:24 PM) ME: miss lady if you could spare anything…i jus got outta jail today and my mamanem aint home and i really need to catch the bus
(4:59:29 PM) ME: was he serious?
(4:59:35 PM) Friend: omg please type that
(4:59:36 PM) ME: i just got outta jail?
(4:59:44 PM) Friend: and use this picure
(4:59:50 PM) ME: please let me open my window so you can strangle me!
(5:00:12 PM) ME: as soon as the light turned green i was OUT!!!!!
(5:00:34 PM) Friend: http://blogs.kansascity.com/photos/uncategorized/calvert_charles.jpg
(5:01:40 PM) ME: see, that picture would be funny, but that dude looks way to clean compared to what i witnessed
(5:02:20 PM) Friend: http://mylifeofcrime.files.wordpress.com/2006/08/ricky-javon-gray.jpg
(5:02:32 PM) ME: ahhhhhhhhh
(5:02:34 PM) ME: HAHAHAHHAHAHA
(5:02:37 PM) ME: much closer
(5:02:55 PM) ME: but he was younger…but i can live with that one..he looks filthy enough
(5:03:10 PM) ME: that will be tomorrows adventure
(5:03:17 PM) Friend: lol

 

 

Know Your Limitations!

I consider myself to be a pretty self-aware person and firmly believe that most adults should be.  However, my mind is always boggled when I come across people who are not—and I come across them a lot!  I believe that if you are ugly, you should have an inkling that you are not hot and you should not have the confidence to try to holla at someone that is clearly out of your league.  Case and point…I went out to dinner last night with a friend.  While at dinner, this scruffy, sisqo-lookin ass nigga comes to our table and starts trying to holla, HARD.  He is actually one of the waiters, but not our waiter—don’t you have tables to tend to?  I promise you he looked just like a dirty version of Sisqo (and Sisqo already looks dirty, so you know this negro was EXTRA homely)!  Anyway, he comes to the table multiple times throughout the evening and with each glass of wine it becomes sadder and sadder—at one point I was laughing hysterically in his face…I just couldn’t help it.  He tells us he is a singer and he decides to serenade us…WOW.  This dirty little monkey is singing loudly at my table and in the back of my mind I’m like “I can’t believe he actually thinks this is ok” but because I’m a little tipsy, all I can do is laugh in his face.  He also mentions that his boy (one of the line cooks–complete with corn rows and a Kango) wants to meet my friend.  He is a singer too, and aspires to open his own restaurant!  Good luck with that one, homie.  I mean what they hell is wrong with us?  Why are we trippin?  They are clearly good catches! LOL  Let  me run down the reasons why he should not have approached me:

1.  I’m hot and you’re not

2. I’m clean and you’re dirty

3.  I’m straight and you’re gay

4.  I’m educated and you have a GED (Ok, so I’m assuming…but I bet you I’m right)

5.  I’m professional and you are hood

So these are only a few of the reasons why it was not OK for him to holla at me. I truly believe that he should have been able to decipher these differences just by looking at me, but for some reason he couldn’t and I just dont get that.  He could have saved himself from much embarrassment, but chose to play himself.  I guess what confuses me about these non-aware folks is that the embarrassment could be so avoidable if they would just know their limitations.  Now, if I had on BabyPhat, golds in my mouth, and finger waves then he shoulda been all ON me…that would be more his speed.  But, the fact that he had the confidence to approach ME, lets me know that he is not self-aware and thus does not know his limitations.  Sad.

Clean and Articulate

 

Yeah, I know, I have been laying low for a while.  Life has been EXTRA busy lately and still is.  Even though I have an insane amount of work to do, I had to take a pause and post this.  I work for a graduate program and part of my job is to recruit students.  Over the past few months, there has been this extremely homely, white lady that is trying to be admitted to the program.  She comes by every so often and I was able to immediately sense that she is a wee bit off.  She’s kinda overweight, wears big white new balances, has an assortment of corduroy stretch pants (my personal favorite is her hot pink pair), and usually carries a small tote bag (like the kind they give out at conferences).  She walks all retarded, too, takin baby steps in her big ass sneakers.  Her look just screams out ”I RIDE THE SHORT BUS!!!!!”  Anyway, on Friday, we had an event for prospective students and she attended.  Today, she sent me an email regarding the event.  Here is an excerpt from the email I received from her…

 By the way, I was having an interesting talk with one of the other applicants, whose name I think was *Bob*. He was a very distinguished black man, and I liked him very much.  Do you think you could provide me with his contact information?

WTF?  Do you think this is a mothafuckin dating service?  Secondly, *Bob* wants nothing to do with your homely, retarded ass.  And, I’m glad that he was a “distinguished” black man, because most that I know are straight hoodlums.  I could see how he would be attractive to her.  Aside from Obama, there are not too many clean, fresh and articulate negroes.

You got Rick Roll’d

Please go to this site and watch the video: http://youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU I promise you, you will never laugh so hard in your life. Pay particular attention to the black bartender and watch in its entirety. I cried laughing. I used to love this song back in the day, and I don’t think I ever really knew who sang it. My friend sent me this link and I thought it was just a joke, but that was really the video my friends. Enjoy!

Bikes are for kids.

Does anybody hate bike riders as much as me?  Bike riding in America has gotten way out of hand.  These people really believe that they have the same rights as a car.  The little gestures they do to let others know they are turning mean nothing to me…I didn’t learn that in driving school.  So, if I hit you, I’m sorry.  I’m in a safe, steel vehicle while you are on some scrap metal with two flimsy wheels.  I’m already late for work, and now I have to slow down to 20 miles/hour because I’m scared that I’m gonna hit your dumb ass.  Holla at a sidewalk, please!   And, I hate those Saturday morning bike clubs!!!  There will be like 50 of them fools all geared down, taking over the entire road and when you pass them, they give you the fucking look of death.  This guy at my job rides his bike to work everyday…mmmm, that just wouldn’t work for me.  And, it doesn’t work for him.  In the summer, when the temperature reaches 90+ degrees and you hop off your bike and come in the office…you stink.  You’re funky, and last I checked, our office does not have a shower.  A couple weeks ago, it was probably about 30 degrees w/ a misty rain.  This fool comes up into our weekly meeting fresh off his bike, all wet, cold, glasses all fogged up, and of course sits his ass down next to me.  Why would you knowingly subject yourself to that?  I was pissed and distracted the rest of the meeting.  He rides his bike because he’s one of those “go green” mothafuckas.  I’m all about preserving the environment, but I’m gonna have to do it from my car.

Why?

Yet again, I must comment on the office secretary.  Like most black people, she has a problem with time.  Technically, her ass should be here at 8am, but for some reason we let her come in at 9am.  However, she can’t seem to handle that.  On average, I would say that she gets to work at about 9:30.  Keep in mind, that this is an improvement.  Before the New Year she used to get here around 10, so I guess her New Year’s resolution was to get to work sorta on time.  Also, at least once a week there is a day she “is running late” and will arrive by noon, if she even decides to arrive at all.  Yesterday, she sent out an email letting everyone know that she would be out of the office on Friday because she had to take her mother to the doctor (black people always have to give somebody a ride or pick a family member up).  When I got the email, I simply shook my head and clicked DELETE.  So, this morning at 9:01 my phone rings.  Guess who?  It was her letting me know that she overslept and that she was gonna come in as soon as she got dressed.  WHATEVER!  2 1/2 hours later, this raggedy bitch comes in with some tight ass jeans and baby blue Timberlands.  I know I say this a lot but, WTF?  I know you said you wont be here on Friday, but that doesn’t mean that you can bump your casual Friday up to Thursday.  Furthermore, I don’t think your getting the whole casual Friday concept.  Baby Phat, Ecko, and faux Timbs are not appropriate and to be quite honest, they are never appropriate for a 41 year old woman.  Oh and just an update for you…her daughter has again experimented with her hair.  It is now blond…so instead of picturing a monkey with orange hair, use blond.  One of the white men in my office referred to her as Goldie Locks. 

It is so hard to be rich and white.

Last night, my girl and I went to this event at a clothing boutique.  While we were there there was this stylish, little white chick trying on mass amounts of clothes.  She was yappin it up with the store owners, so we couldn’t tell if she worked there or if she was just a REALLY good customer.  Anyway, after we left the boutique, we went to this tapas bar across the street and the boutique owner and the little white chick ended up coming after they closed the store.  My friend knew the owner of the boutique, so we were all sitting at the bar chatting.  My friend and I order some tapas and are fuckin them up! LOL  We were hungry!  So the white girl is all lookin at us like “mmmm, that looks good, im soooooo hungry”.  Mind you, she probably weighs about 85 lbs (you know white girls are super obsessed about their weight).  So what does this starved bitch order?  It looked like a bowl of broth with 3 beans sprinkled on top and when she got it she was like “ohhhhhhhh, this is sooooooo gooooooood”.  We’re lookin like WTF, Is she for real right now?  Is that what white girls eat when they’re hungry?  Sucks to be them.  Meanwhile, we order another round of our steak tapas…So the white chick (who appears to be in her early 40’s, but is probably only in her early 30’s–you know how THEY age) starts talkin about her kids.  She has 4 of them ages 7, 4, 2 and a baby.  We’re like “Wow!  That must be difficult…”  She’s like (in that whiney, sir mix-a-lot, white girl voice) “OMG, it’s sooooooooo hard.  I have to get up at 6am to get the first kid on the bus and I don’t get done with that until 9am!  Then I have to do all the laundry…and let me tell ya, you would not believe how much laundry I have to do.  I mean, we have HELP but it’s still hard.”  Wow, we really felt this woman’s pain.  It’s difficult when you have to spend a couple hours with your kids and do some laundry.  I’m sure it cuts in to her shopping and working out time.  I can’t even believe she was able to make time to come out to this tapas bar and have a martini.  That’s gotta be hard.

College Hill is STILL Ghetto (Shocker, right?)

As hard as Tracey Edmonds tries, she will never be able to take the ghetto out of College Hill.  And, you can tell she really tried this season…I think they have a trip abroad planned, they went rafting…they are even working for the Ludacris Foundation!  But, as long as she uses 7 ingnorant niggas, picked to live in a house, and have their lives taped…the show will be forever hood.   Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…”Why were you even watching that bullshit?”  Well, when I heard that College Hill was set in Atlanta this season (where I reside), I was curious to know what school would support that crap.  This season’s cast represents several different colleges.  Complete with “lean with it, rock with it” theme music, students hail from Clark Atlanta, Georgia State University, some online bullshit college, and Morehouse.  Yes, I said Morehouse.  Can you believe that shit?  Clearly Morehouse administration is unaware that they have a Morehouse Man participating in this coonery, because if they knew, the student would most certainly be expelled, right?  Spelman probably banned their student body from participating from jump.  There is like an unwritten code that elite HBCU’s will not participate in College Hill.  I don’t know why Morehouse missed that memo.  Anyway, I can’t really tell you too much more about the show because I had to turn when one of the nappy headed dudes made a comment like “I’m always looking for new pussy” and he seriously used the word pussy.  Yes, they bleeped it out, but my three year old nephew could have deciphered what he said.  His mom must be so proud of him.  He’s the one that is working on his online degree…surprising, huh?  Oh and real quick…is it me or do all the girls look exactly the same and have horrible weaves?  They are very Flavor of Love-esque.  My favorite part was when they pulled up to their new home and one of the ghetto broads was like “OHHHHH we fiddin to live in a mansion, I ain’t neva lived in no mansion!”  The house was so not a mansion, it was simply a nice home.  Anyway, enough ranting.  I’ll let you check it out for yourselves…

http://www.bet.com/onblast/?chan=1&id=1611&itype=e

Ohhhhh! I want one, I want one!

We’ve all seen the ads on the net.  Click here to get your degree online in as little as three months!   Ahh, the proprietary school.  Please pay x amount of dollars and we will in turn give you a wack, non-respected degree.  I can confidently say that I would never want one of these bullshit ass degrees, but for some people it works out well—to each his own, right?  So yesterday, I was picking up my dry cleaning and as I backed out of my parking space something immediately caught my eye.  The car next to me had an Argosy University Alumni license plate frame.  WTF?  Why are you repping Argosy University that hard? That is so not a good look for you.  People already think you are wack for attending Argosy University, so why would you highlight that fact on your vehicle.  AND, you’re driving a run down corolla…you’re straight asking people to clown you.  If your college is not nationally recognized or does not have a single sports team, then please do not purchase any paraphernalia  representing your “school”.  But, if you insist, I design t-shirts for you retards.  Here is a sampling of my work:

Coming Soon…DeVry Dumb Asses

Yeah, I know it is not that clever, but if you went to one of these schools you won’t even know the difference!  I have good prices, too.  Only a fraction of what you paid for that meaningless degree!

Niggas.

Yeah, so there is not really anything to say on this one–it’s pretty self-explanatory.  This is the suspect in the UNC Chapel Hill murder case.  He is at an ATM in the victims car using her ATM card.  Smart.